-By Rudrangshi Saha
Ok, so hear me out-
The English language, in all its glory, is nothing but a chaotic casserole of mashed-up metaphors, nonsensical phrases, and idioms that might as well be pranks on anyone trying to learn it. Honestly, if aliens ever landed and tried to make sense of English, they’d probably leave faster than they arrived. Why? Because nothing — absolutely nothing — makes sense. Let’s talk about idioms, those little twisted pearls of “wisdom” that Brits left us along with cricket, tea, and slavery.
Take the classic: "the apple of my eye." Imagine being told you’re someone’s apple — as in, a literal shiny red apple lodged in their eye. In what world is that romantic? It sounds more like a horror movie. Just think of it- "You are the apple of my eye," says the protagonist to his beloved while gently poking fruit into his sockets. Ew, gross. I just lost my appetite. But apparently, back in Old English days, "apple" was used to describe the pupil (why, nobody knows) — so the whole thing roughly translates to someone staring at you so hard, their pupil quivers. Ok, creep.
Or how about "feeling under the weather"? Now, let’s paint this picture: You're sick, right? Under-the-weather level sick. So, you’re… under the scorching heat of the sun, or maybe submerged in rain? Is that supposed to make you feel better? Turns out, this gem originates from the nautical days when seasick sailors would retreat below deck to avoid the rocking waves, literally going under the weather. All very poetic if you’re living in the 1700s and still think scurvy is a “mild inconvenience.” Today, it’s just us in bed with tissues, vitamin C, and a Netflix account.
Now, “beating around the bush.” Look, if I want to say something, why am I smacking bushes first? Imagine going to your boss to discuss a raise and just swatting at the potted plants in their office to set the mood. Back in the day, British hunters used to "beat" bushes to scare game out, circling and smacking shrubs like possessed botanists. The phrase essentially means to waste time before getting to the point, just as we are doing right now by keeping this ridiculous phrase alive.
And then comes the sinister "spilling of beans." Ancient Greece as we know, was rife with political drama. And turns out, people voted by dropping beans into pots— quite the democracy. If someone knocked over the pot, boom, the votes spilled and ruined the election surprise. Fast-forward to today, where a “bean spill” is just as dramatic, though now it refers to the neighbourhood aunty telling everyone about how characterless you are because you wore shorts when it was 40 degrees outside.
Ever heard someone “burn the midnight oil”? Cue the image of a Victorian poet scribbling away by dim lamplight, hunched over his desk with no friends or future. Yes, back then, working late meant literally burning oil because electricity wasn't a thing. Today, it just means you're still stuck at your computer at 2 a.m. writing an article on idioms literally no one asked for.
And, of course, we can’t ignore our "knight in shining armour." Nothing screams irony like this phrase. The British romanticized knights, who, instead of looking like polished heroes, likely wore rusty suits and smelled like day-old fish. Historically, knights weren’t "rescuing damsels"; they were busy looting castles and trying to avoid syphilis. But the Victorians took one look at medieval history and thought, "Perfect. Let’s make this the peak of romance!" Now every hapless lad with a halfway decent pick-up line thinks he’s Lancelot, minus the sword or actual valor.
Then there’s "turning a blind eye." Lord Nelson, the British hero with one bad eye, famously used his disability to pretend he didn’t see his superior’s orders to retreat during a battle. He put a telescope to his bad eye, effectively saying, “I see nothing, therefore I’m doing nothing.” So, to this day, "turning a blind eye" means ignoring reality — a skill Britain seems to have perfected while colonizing half the world.
Now, “giving the cold shoulder.” This charming move is from the days when, if someone overstayed their welcome, they’d be served cold meat instead of a warm meal. And thus, the “cold shoulder” was born. Why don’t we keep this tradition alive? Imagine being at a party, realizing it's time to leave, and your host hands you a frigid lamb chop. You wouldn’t have to ask twice.
So next time someone tells you that you're the "apple of their eye" while they’re "beating around the bush" to "spill the beans" because they don’t want to "turn a blind eye," remember: all English has ever done is make things more complicated than they need to be.
"I can talk English, I can walk English, I can laugh English, Because English is a very funny language" - Someone Wise
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