As a Man, I’m Ashamed of My Own Gender

-By Ayushman Sinha

India today stands at a crossroads. It has found itself gripped within the stranglehold of an even more appalling reality, worse than the foreign threats. It is a battle fought on its women's bodies and children's lives, all in silence and shadows. Daily fresh horrors creep into our existence: a mother molested by her son in Uttar Pradesh; infant children, almost unable to walk, sexually assaulted by men who were supposed to protect them; elderly frail women violated by the men who are expected to protect them. All this is not individual tragedy but part of systemic failure-a national crisis revealing the worst facets of society.

But even in the wails of victims, the unhealthy silence of a subtle excuse can be heard that pops its head whenever :"Not all men are like that". Yes, not all men are rapists, not all men are abusers, but how many men challenge those predators within their ranks? How many men stand up and speak out when they are witnessing violence or exploitation taking place? Thereby, too many silently abhor these circumstances by turning a blind eye; their silence also becomes a weapon as they end up enabling these perpetrators and become party to the heinous violence they perpetrate.

It served the purpose. This New Indian is married today to all which spells brutality-it speaks of aggressiveness and privilege wherein one human compels the other to dominate as well as master him/her for sheer indulgence. Whether it is the newspaper headlines or whispers behind closed doors in the corridors, here one can see that truth has emerged: the Indian man has taken on a shape which threatens not just abroad but even in his home. We have created a society in which women fear to go out alone, in which they fear to place their trust in those around them because it is the very hands of whom they should be able to trust that they are facing their enemies.

The problem is systemic rather than with the people. It runs deep within the culture of entitlement, where men are taught to use a woman like an object, to claim her, use her, and dump her. It's the culture that lets men get away with all their crimes, where excuses are given for them using "boys will be boys" and "she shouldn't have been there." It is a culture of blaming the victim and the perpetrator being protected.

How many times have we heard the same old excuses? "She was asking for it because of what she was wearing." "She shouldn't have been out so late." These aren't the words of people who care about justice; these are the words of people who are more concerned about protecting the guilty than helping the innocent. It is time to stop pointing fingers at the victims and asking pertinent questions: Why does a man feel that he has a right to harm another human being? Why does society excuse this kind of behaviour? And why do we allow it?

The religious leaders—be they Hindu or Muslim—are no better. These self- proclaimed moral authorities turn a blind eye to violence happening right under their noses. They speak of morals and values, never pointing to the actual problem-all the violence being a result of-toxic masculinity and patriarchal systems. They teach them to respect women, be on the same level, and they continue to justify the indefensible by perpetuating the lie that women's choices, clothes, or behaviour merits the violence dished out against them. This is not hypocrisy; it is rather a dangerous form of enablers that allows abuse to continue unchecked in circles.

But that's still not the end of it. It is not only about one man or that one incident. It speaks of a society that continually perpetuates such beliefs which are harmful, continues raising its children with such bad ideas about power and control. Fathers teach their sons that they need to dominate, that they have power over them, that they're supposed to be masters of their women. And mothers, trying their best to defend those boys, will find a way to make excuses and, once again, point blame at their daughters' doorsteps. Message; is apparent - to be clear, it must the victim who should not assail instead of the responsibility placed on himself to hold in check the aggressor.

The result is a society that teaches men that their worth is defined by their ability to control, to dominate, to take. And it teaches women that they are nothing more than objects for the taking. This is a culture of violence, of entitlement, of silence. And the more we remain silent, the more we allow this to fester, the worse it will become.

But it is said that patriarchy is a part of our culture. There are those arguing that it is a tradition—a heritage that forms a vital constituent part of who we are. Let me tell such: Patriarchy is not a culture. It's disease. It is the canker that kills from inside out. Hinduism, Islam-that kind of religions, at any rate, if truly implemented, don't embrace such patriarchy. They do not teach them that the women are inferior, for them alone exist. It is real Hinduism, real Islam teaching respect for all human beings, irrespective of gender and sex. However, all these teachings have been distorted in the sense they have been perverted by people who desire to maintain their power positions, people who want women to be held under their subjugation, their dominance over violence.

Let us not allow these poisons to stay. We need to reject the fact that patriarchy is an unalienable right part of our culture. We need to deny the fact that men have a right to dominate, rule or even hurt. We need to abhor the fact that a woman's body belongs to everyone and can be taken or used as one will. And we must stop letting our boys grow up thinking it is all right to wield the power over women, thinking that masculinity involves domination.

Men also lose in this system. Toxic masculinity wounds men as well as it wounds women. Instead it forces the men to play in very constricted tight roles, and tells them: tough, unemotional, dominant. It teaches them their worth is tied to whether they can control others. This dehumanises them; it does the same with women. And then look at the way the system doesn't believe men when they commit these acts, when they've been falsely accused of sexual assault. Look at what happened to Atul. His life was destroyed, his reputation ruined, and no one stood up for him. People cared only after he ended his life. This is the price of toxic masculinity-a system that makes it impossible for men to be vulnerable, be human, and seek help when they need it.

Atul's is one among many stories which depicts that this dangerous system is built for the maltreatment of men facing abuse, false accusations. No time was taken when society condemned the man who is tagged a predator just a day after the accusation, no hearing to the man himself, without even considering if what accused was true. It is here precisely that he crux of the matter lies: that same system that makes a case for all men being a set of dangerous predators does nothing but dilute the credibility of the men who, for real, are not guilty. Atul's tragic end is a wake-up call for society that dehumanises its own to be forced into places where pain is not addressed for simply being a man.

I don't even trust a man anymore. I have realised how low we can be. How easy it is for a man to use manipulation, lying, and destruction. I do know men exist who will take the advantage of power over another individual to abuse and harm. So, in a way, when there's a woman with her tale, I tend to believe her immediately. Not because I believed all women are right but because I know how low we, as men, could sink. There is just an instinct in me that distrusts my own gender due to examples around me; they are so tainted with misogyny, violence, and entitlement. Then there is also the conflicting story that the man and the woman come up with. My instinct is such that I want to believe the woman even when evidence seems to say the man didn't do it. This is of course inbuilt and gravely unfair. I know.

That's the price one pays to be part of a world where men have been so vicious that it has been second nature to distrust them. That is a result of the poisonous masculinity that has helped to shape our vision about the world. It is an attitude born of frustration and fear, fear that even the most innocent among us will be lumped into the abuser's category because we live in a society where abuse is rampant and excused, where men are rarely held accountable for their actions. This makes it a little complicated due to the fact that how patriarchal views run in the fabric of our lives and dictate our thoughts on relationships and how society functions.

This actually goes into a vicious cycle by holding to the assumption that women will never have the positions of power or authority wherein men are always the aggressors. We teach our children, especially our boys, that power is a means of dominating and silence a way of keeping such acts of abuse in the dark. We allow an even more toxic narrative to thrive, one that never allows women to be perpetrators because the idea of men as victims of violence is just revolting. It's time the cycle of mistrust, harm, and silence breaks.

It is time for all of us, men and women, to collectively reject these dangerous norms. We need to stop teaching our children that power equals dominance and control. They must be taught to develop empathy, kindness, and equality. This is the time to stand up to the world against the damage that patriarchy unleashes on both men and women and rebuild a system where both are equal to each other, not an exercise of power through suppression but respect. It is the time to reject patriarchy, reject toxic masculinity, and demand a society where everyone is valued equally. We can wait no more. We can be silent no more. It is the cancer of abuse, violence, and patriarchy that kills our society, and it is time to cut out that cancer.

The question is: Will we take action now, or let it consume us until nothing is left?